As always I've had this topic in my head for sometime before I could actually get around to writing it . Also as usual I will once again say I am not a medical , spiritual or educated professional. I only post what I've come to know based on what at times seems a very long life full of experiences , trial , tribulations , learning & the lessons given .
So the question , do I know miscarriage ? the answer yes . I know miscarriage very well. I know its pain , I know its loss , I know the ways and time in which ones soul heals from this experience .
Most know I am a very blessed mother of 6 children & one beautiful 5yo grandson .What most do not know is that I am also a mother of 9 miscarried babies and one aborted baby .So I have had to deal with this issue many times .
I have to say I have only dealt with the issue of loosing a baby from the 1st & beginning of the 2nd trimesters . Although I have family & friends who have miscarried at full term I cannot personally say fully how one heals from the loss of experiencing full blown labour and having to hold a child in ones arms who has passed so soon . To me I believe it must be best explained how author Toni Morrison described the loss of a child . Like the loss of a soul mate a life partner that loss does not go away and in fact in a way it would be an insult to the memory of that person by saying we've gotten over it as if to dismiss or forget the person .
I feel healing & dealing with ones miscarriage is all physical , emotional & spiritual for we know when we suffer physically our emotional state suffers and then from this our spiritual well being can suffer greatly .
I have to say that one of the worst deterrents to healing from miscarriage in all these areas comes from the medical community !
Yes , I guess it really isn't that big of a surprise that a system that screwed up the birthing process for women would do the same for the loss of a baby .
Physically I feel there is not much they can do in helping prevent miscarriage . In all the times we went to hospital we ended up waiting sitting around or being sent home anyway . A few times I had ultra sound to learn I was loosing the baby which we knew anyway . Most women will end up being told they need a D & C . I 've never had one ! that is right 9 miscarriages and not one D& C . D & C is supposed to prevent infection . I was blessed to have a doctor long ago who knew I knew the signs of infection & to get rid of anything left behind . Well our bodies do this naturally ! If we are looking after ourselves this also should include the uterus and we will not end up with an infected uterus and our bodies will naturally expel any unwanted materials . ! There are herbs which encourage contractions just as there are ones that help prevent them I also feel a D& C is like an abortion and can damage the uterus and can in fact lead to further miscarriages do to scarring of the uterine lining it is the same procedure as an abortion in my opinion. I in fact know several women who after miscarriage were indeed still pregnant with another baby .How many times have women experienced a D & C and ended up having another child killed ?
scarring can lead to miscarriage as the placenta will have trouble securing a spot for healthy growth .
I have had only one uterine infection which was not diagnosed via blood testing ultra sound etc. I in fact detected it on my own and healed it on my own via herbs and good health practices. I've written about uterine care before and it is vital in healing from miscarriage . That baby cannot grow healthy unless having a healthy home to be nurtured that healthy home is the womb ☺
emotionally healing , well I cannot say how vital it is to have emotional support ! Often people will be caring & have empathy for us but it is often short lived . It is a fact that the emotional healing takes time . The amount of time one needs to heal from miscarriage is just like that of loosing a loved one .Grieving takes time and that is part of emotional healing from miscarriage it is a grieving process. We go through all types of emotional stages such as sadness , anger , loneliness etc. There are times we will need to be alone in silence & times we will need others to be with us to be able to speak and get out those feelings a way to express them .
So for those with friends & family who have and are experiencing miscarriage remember this can takes months to yrs to heal from .
For myself friends , my fellow female sisters have been the greatest support .Often because they too have been through these same emotional ups & downs . I can say the hospital was not supportive in anyway . I've had a friend who had a doctor while giving her an internal exam say " wow a bit of a loose caboose down here aren't we " what a degrading sexist comment ! I at first thought that these comments were from young interns as I experienced the same attitude during one miscarriage wile getting an internal exam a gush of blood came flowing out and the young intern gave a very loud verbal " ooooooooooooooo " I mean if blood disgusts you so much why are you becoming GP anyway ! the last miscarriage experience was that of loosing twins . I went to the hospital with dh . Emotionally we both were a wreck and physically drained too. I explained to the much older doctor & nurse why I was reluctant to come to hospital solely due to my experiences there . He said to me in a condescending voice " so why did you come here then ?" what an arrogant #**!!! well I guess I know now I went there under false hope & false assumption that someone would help save and want to save and cared about my baby like I did !
That was it , I'd miscarried at home , in a bus station , in a hospital washroom . I chose home after that .
I can say the issue of time really came clear to me as well after miscarrying twins . I felt I pathetic , a never ending non healed weak person . Somehow in mainstream society we are supposed to not need healing , always be happy and if we do need healing we are weak . Anyway I prayed about it and just like that I had the "no duh " moment . "Roxie you lost two babies " I was not only grieving the loss of one but two people whom I had been longing to hold , kiss those little heads , hold close to my breast and feed & nurture .Of course it took me a year to heal !
Spiritually , aknowledging this is all happening , our experience is real and our going through it all is valid ! Yes we have the right to grieve the loss of our babies ! what can I say conversation helps , silent beautiful places help. The rosary helps . Seeing we have no control over what comes & goes sometimes.
Yes I have prevented miscarriage before but I have also not been able to prevent miscarriage .
I've gone through anger with God , my dh , myself. It is all apart of healing .
I even had to look at myself as being a tad selfish . , because really loosing my baby was a part of my wants & yes needs . My being angry that I wanted a baby here and now to hold , to get to know . To raise into adulthood with siblings here on earth . I had to let go .
Life is not just about fulfilling my wants and no matter how painful it is to not have that want I could not stay attached to it forever . I am attached to all my babies forever I am their mother but they are not in need of my mothering in the here and now ,here on earth as our other children are .What if I did not have children here to care for ? We all are needed by each other . Some women never will give birth to birth children yet are called to be mothers through adoption or better yet going out into the world to teach not just a few but hundreds .
Mother is merely the role of female to nurture others .
I can say for me the last 3 miscarriages were the most healing for me . I was actually able to bury our little ones under my rose bush in the garden . I was able to heal and mend in a much more peaceful environment . This was very good for my spirit & soul.Having not just a calm home but calm in our life having dealt with other issues also helped me deal much better with miscarriage .
I also found it a great gift to enter all names of our babies in the Book of Life this was really good for me as a person who did not have a grave stone for our babies .I was sent a certificate acknowledging each and every baby . Also think of having yourself a funeral and letting go and releasing time for yourself . Invite others who are close or do this alone . Just as some of us choose t find a sacred place to bury the placenta after a birth there is no reason we cannot to this for our babies lost .
Even if you have no physical baby , perhaps make up a special small box of offerings of memory etc. place inside a blanket , photos , prayer cards etc. what ever you like . Have a little ceremony of release and bury the box . This may become a special place to visit for you at certain times of year etc.
For me I also take great comfort that I have all those women who came before me , my relations ancient women who have experienced all this before and walk with me embracing me lifting my spirit and walking with me down that continued path which is life .